Coaching a leader through their reactions under pressure
This is for you if a leader you coach keeps getting overrun by the same reaction under pressure. Something fires before they can choose, and undoes what they meant to do. Afterward they see it clearly; in the moment it runs the show.
One judgment call first: is the reaction tied to their work, or something older and deeper? Parts work belongs in coaching when the reaction fires around performance and pressure at work.
If it reaches into trauma, or tips into hopelessness or thoughts of self-harm, this is past coaching. Pause, and help them reach a therapist or crisis line.
Be plain with the leader: this is career development, not a diagnosis and not a substitute for professional or medical support. It is not a substitute for therapy.
The move works because a protective part, not a character flaw, drives the reaction. It once learned this keeps something bad from happening. Fought head-on it digs in; met with curiosity it eases.
You need their own results: the reaction is almost always the overshoot of a real strength. Open their Uncovering Your Blind Spots beforehand. Plan thirty minutes.
- Name the exact reaction and its trigger. Not "I get defensive," but the scene: the board pushes back and they go cold. Ask what fires, and the beat before it.
- Tie it to the strength it overshoots. Open Uncovering Your Blind Spots and find the one this reaction belongs to. A gift for decisiveness takes over the room when stakes climb. Name it out loud.
- Turn toward the part, from a calm place. Have them settle first, so they meet the reaction from steadiness, not inside it. Then get curious: ask what it wants them to know.
- Ask what it is protecting. Ask two things: what is it keeping safe, and what it fears if it eased off? Stay with the answer; a part that feels understood stops shouting.
- Stay strictly on the protective part. You work with the guard at the door, never the room behind it. If something younger or rawer surfaces, a wound or a memory, stop and reach for a therapist. Holding that line is the skill.
- Close on one small move they will use next time the part starts to rise: name it, give it a beat, and choose. For a tense review: "When I feel it rise, I say, I see you, I have got this, then take one breath before I answer."
If this feels too deep, there is a gentler alternate: have them name the hard moment out loud, remember they are not alone in it, and answer as a colleague they respect would.
The leader owns the recognition. You own the structure that made it safe to look.
Coaching questions
Not a worksheet to run in order. Once the leader has met the part, pull whatever fits the room.
Sitting with it
- What fires, in the second before you can choose?
- If that reaction had a job, what would it say it was protecting?
- What does it believe would happen if it stood down?
- How long has it been doing this job for you?
Widening it
- Where else does this same guard show up?
- What kind of pressure calls it out fastest?
- When has it actually served you well?
Moving toward change
- What would it look like to thank it and still choose your own response?
- What is the smallest sign it was easing off?
- Who would notice first?
